As Spring turns to summer and dawn to dusk, our journey ended tonight and now America is left with nothing. This juggernaut has closed another chapter in a dramatic star-studded finale that made America shout, cheer and weep. In the house tonight, we saw Ryan's former pretend love, Teri Hatcher, the Hoff (who was clean and sober), Jerry Springer, Jennifer Hudson, Constantine, Justin, Ace and a long list of Hollywood royalty. On stage, there were a number of hot performances, but no bald Britney Spears tearing up K-Fed's picture in a Sinead O'Connor retread. There also was no big star surprise like Prince, unless anyone considers the Divine Miss M's dreadful Wind Beneath My Wings a treat. Bette Midler doesn't belong in Vegas replacing Celine; she belongs in the Bath Houses where she started her career. I hate to overuse the term, but talk about "pitchy" What were the Producers thinking adding her to the roster of stars? What an insult to all those who cling to pure American values.
Thankfully for Jordin the nefarious Idol Song Writing Competition solidified her victory, leaving Blake beat-boxing his way to oblivion or at least to the possibility of a record deal. Let's hope to God the two finalist don't plan a remake of the overlooked and masterful film From Justin to Kelly. But until the auditions begin in January 2008, I will be singing I Who Have Nothing out of protest for this great loss from our television landscape.
Although we may gripe about the lack of hard luck stories this season like the Pickle or Fantasia or a real porn star like Frenchie Davis or a criminal record like that of Scott Savoll, we had a lot to talk about and some tender moments that left America in tears along with Paula Abdul who cries every time she hears a sappy sub-par vocal by a male hopeful like Elliott. Fortunately this season, her antics were limited to tripping over her dog, rather than mauling one of the hopefuls via Corey Clark.
For me the most emotional moment of the season occurred during the auditions at a time when this competition was under assault by the envious hordes who want to bring Idol down. The Producers easily squelched this onslaught when the age limit for hopefuls was disregarded and 64-year old Sherman Pore performed on behalf of his lady love who died a few days earlier in the Hospital after her long battle with cancer. It was a classic Idol moment and left no doubt that Idol not only has talent, but heart as well.
However, America will not stand for anything but the best. Thankfully, Simon Cowell rightfully slammed the absurd Ken Briggs, comparing him to a bush baby. His best friend, Jonathan Jayne and special student, was also given a chance, but the aftermath brought calls of indignation from corners of the world that care nothing for this great country and its majesty, let alone a competition that is the ultimate meritocracy. Such charges came most forcefully from the horrible Fat Slob and pretend Lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell, who is still smarting from her failed Broadway musical, Taboo. She can't sing, she's not that funny any more and is in obvious need of a tummy tuck and electro-shock therapy. America saw through her charade and rejected her message of hate and intolerance. She even had the temerity to call Paula a drunk, when we all know that is a damnable lie. You can't get drunk on painkillers, can you?
Furthermore, if those two misfits were so wounded by Simon's mean attacks, why did they show up tonight and accept a Golden Idol for Best Buddies? The Bush Baby even thanked Simon for giving him a chance to make a further buffoon of himself on national TV. As for Jonathan, is that the only outfit he wears? Didn't the stylists get a hold of him? I sure hope he washes his clothes frequently since he wore the same duds back in the auditions. The other Golden Idols this year came nowhere near the excitement that was created by the Clay Aiken dopalganger, Michael Sandecki, but watching Margaret Fowler in her chicken suit maul Ryan on stage was enough to make it all worthwhile. Ryan must have rushed back stage and bathed after that tongue lashing. But I'm sure Ace comforted Ryan after the show to help him get over that distasteful display of raw passion.
Paula ended the season on a loopy note with her erratic dancing and waterworks galore, which of course will bring further speculation about her tenure on the show. But what would this competition be without our plasticine earth mother? It's almost laughable that Courtney Love was suggested as an alternative earlier. That would be like replacing Snow White with Jenna Jameson. As the season progressed, Paula performed with aplomb and on occasions even out classed Simon with some of her searingly insightful critiques. Unlike Randy, she has a more extensive vocabulary than "yo yo yo . . . ," "a'right," "blew it out of the box," or "you're in the dawg pound tonight."
Oscar-winning Jennifer Hudson also created a stir in an Essence Magazine interview when she was obviously misquoted by hateful hacks trying to undermine this competition. After mentoring our hopefuls and showcasing Italian-American talent, even Tony Bennett got into the act and chastised the show for its harshness. I hate to say this, but after that, Tony seemed like a Pelosi-like Italian, rather than the real thing. How dare he? But after his masterful performance tonight and the way he brought For Once in My Life home at 81 years old, I just can't stay mad at my Italian-American brother. Furthermore, how pissed could he be? He had no problem sucking up air time on Idol. As for my Italian-American sister, Gwen Stefani, I'm a little annoyed with her. If you can't show up in Hollywood to perform, then no one needs to listen. Furthermore, I didn't dig the song and what was that thing attached to her ass?
Another crew who was too good to show up live was Green Day, who had the audacity to sing another B.S. song from that drug addled communist John Lennon. What does a song entitled Working Class Hero have to do with Darfur any how? In the words of my junior blogger, "I'm beginning to fall asleep" listening to this performance. I wonder how much flesh Yoko extracted so that her husband's songs could be used on Idol? That controlling Beatles destroying miscreant surely didn't just allow it without extended negotiations and a hefty payment. After all, she is the ultimate Leftist who lines her pockets with money while pretending to be Glynda the Good Witch.
Another major controversy from this season was Chris Sligh's snide Il Divo attack and subsequent early demise. Did he really think America would forgive him for attacking the creative genius of Simon Cowell? I don't care if Il Divo looks like Mannequins in an S&M Boutique. You don't come to Hollywood and talk that way to Simon Cowell! Perhaps if Chris had avoided such antics and Sundance had held it together better, one of the biggest Idol scandals of the season, even more so than the NJ Slut and her suggestive poses on a toilet seat, would have never occurred. Indeed, I refer to Sanjaya and the cadre of help desk workers and crying girls who voted for him week after week even though his performances were so bad they actually made me wistful for Fergie again. Tonight Sanjaya accompanied by Aerosmith's Joe Perry rehashed his disastrous You Really Got Me and made Ashley cry all over again. Why waste out time with that, when the medleys and hopeful performances were so fantastic.
When Kelly Clarkson emerged on stage singing Never Again, I thought it was Season One all over again. Her performance was fantastic and captured the crushing pain caused by a low down dirty dog who had the audacity to cheat on her. Any man who covets another over Kelly Clarkson is no man at all.
Even more powerful was Carrie Underwood's haunting rendition of I'll Stand By You from Idol Gives Back Week. What a great talent! She truly deserves all the recognition, including getting a plaque from Clive Davis for selling six million copies of her smash hit CD, Some Hearts. Not only talented, Carrie is beautiful and pure, but what was up with that outfit?
Taylor also reemerged and performed Heaven Knows. I didn't expect much, but in the end, he did a great job including the harmonica solo. But I must take issue with the song title. Didn't Donna Summer have a song with the same name? It looks like he is taking himself a little more seriously and I was pleased that he didn't have a spass attack on stage. After 74 million votes were cast last night, we didn't need a goofy.
Although Fantasia couldn't make it tonight due to her critically acclaimed performance in The Color Purple on Broadway, the elusive Velvet Teddy Bear showed up in pin stripes with a pink tie and blew it out of the house in his duet with Jordin. Their rendition of You're All I Need To Get By was great theater and made me wonder why we haven't seen more of Mr. Ruben Studdard. A shout out to the Velvet teddy bear!
Blake's duet with Jordin of I Saw Her Standing There was a fun and cheeky performance. They even fanned into the audience, which I loved. I so hope we get to see this at the Idol concert. Get your tickets or be damned! Blake also brought down the house when he and Doug Fresh beat-boxed together. What a show stopper! I could barely understand a word of it, but it was excellent. Although Blake lost, he handled his defeat with the grace of a gazelle, unlike other spoiled sports like Al Gore and John Kerry.
Equally incomprehensible, but also masterful was the African Children's Choir from Idol Gives Back Week. What a treasure of a performance! It reminded me of the Lion King all over again and I'm sure America loved it. Once again, this show spares no expense in highlighting important social issues and putting money behind all the nice words. A show like this sets a fine example for our children, unlike the greedy Left who take money where every they can grab it while trying to steal ours through high taxes. For example, John Edwards, the champion of the poor, was found to have taken a $55,000 for a speech at the University of California at Davis, a tax-payer funded institution. Who gets that much money for a speech about poverty? Does the hypocrisy ever stop?
The top six girls and boys also performed as expected. First the boys did a Smokey Robinson medley and brought down the house. These kids really sounded great. I guess when the pressure is off and they arem't being judged, they sound a lot better. Brandon was so good it almost stunned me, particularly the way he blew things earlier in the season, Similarly, the girls and Gladys Knight brought down the house. Kiki, Weezie and Gladys are a lethal combination and their rendition of Midnight Train To Georgia really had it going on. Weezie also did herself proud and really stuck her neck out with Bebe and Cece Winans. In the words of Randy Jackson, "that was a hot one one tonight!"
The show concluded with a medley to beat all medleys with Joe Perry playing guitar in a montage of Beatles songs including material from Sargent Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. Kelly performed again along with Carrie, Ruben and Taylor and all the hopefuls from this season. It was so nice seeing them together and it was a well put together montage along with the Ford Commercial, Time After Time.
At the end, Blake got to go home with keys to a Mustang while Jordin got the crown and closed the show with This Is My Now with fireworks and confetti, which is typical of seasons past. When Seacrest wished us well and asked us to start the journey again in January, America's living rooms shouted a resounding yes. There is simply nothing like this competition, which captures the spirit of America like no other forum.
Although I must end my reviews of this important cultural phenomenon, I plan to make a few postings as the year progresses until next Season. So stay tuned and feel free to leave suggestions as to what you'd like to see, if anything at all. But I promise you this. I just can't watch So You think You Can Dance. It's just too painful coming so close after Idol.
Maniac - - out