I wish I could quit you Idol, but I just can't. After the Pickle was brutally cast from this competition, I vowed to turn my back on this show since there is no one left who will reach the heights of Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood. That promise was about as likely to be adhered to as when Bill Clinton promised one of the most ethical administrations in history right before he entered the White House and defiled it, making it look like one of Larry Flynt's studios. As for our Pickle, she left the show without shedding a tear and in the follow-up interviews indicated that she deserved to go home for her less than stellar performances over two weeks.
This sweetie pie is no spoiled sport and handles this whole situation with aplomb. She is no Al Gore who stomped his feet and tried to steal the votes down in Florida until the United States Supreme Court rightly stopped him dead in his tracks. She forges ahead and looks forward to May 19th when her father Clyde "Bo" Pickler will be released from prison down in Florida. If this silly but naughty little mink can act with such decorum so can I, which is why I've decided to finish watching Season Five and critiquing it. However, no more Mr. Nice Guy. The David Foster in me is now coming out and I'm not sugar-coating my analysis any more.
When McPheever comes on stage wearing what looks like an upside-down peeled banana exposing her business in a Rhonetta-like way and her hair teased up like $5 whore in Thailand, I'm not going to let her get away with it. When I see Elliott take the stage, I'll still feel like I'm in my car yelling at the squeegee men in the Bowery to stop cleaning my windshield. That loser may make Paula cry, but to me, he reminds me of a low-level employee at a car wash.
An open call to Paula Abdul. When the Season ends, please check yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital and clean up your act. You have been stranger than usual this Season and it is hindering this competition. Additionally, your over 40 now; stop exposing your remade breasts to America. No one needs to see how good your plastic surgeon was at making you look like a fembot.
On the other hand, Randy needs to sue whoever did his surgery to help him lose weight since he looks bigger than house as the Season progresses. If I were him, I'd be eating broiled "Salmen" and less fried "Calamare." Tight Tee-shirts and jeans on a somewhat bloated Brit. Perhaps Seacrest has a point about Simon's attire. He should know since he did make People Magazine's List of the 100 most beautiful people. That list must be quite generous in who they chose since I didn't realize that some puny little jerk with too much hair dye and more mascara than the Pickle was considered beautiful. What's next? Janet Reno winning the swimsuit competition in the Miss Universe contest.
It all makes me wonder when someone is going to put a fork in this Season since it's truly overdone. Speaking of big butted butterballs with gray hair and the grace of a twelve ton hippo, I wonder when America is going to catch on that Taylor is nothing but a circus freak,. He dances like he's got a stun gun in his pocket or suffers from epileptic seizures. As for the Soul Patrol, I wish they would run him over or at least speed him over to Jenny Craig.
I will spare my venom with respect to Chris and Paris for now, but only out of respect for their instruments. I do plan to watch on Tuesday, but I'll still be searching for that Mink. She was even going to sing You Give Love a Bad Name, which I'm sure would have been better than Demi Moore in Striptease. And notice how the Pickle acknowledges the oppression of Italian-Americans by choosing a Bon Jovi song. I'm sorry America will have to miss it, but I have a funny feeling that there will be a lot to make fun of in these final weeks.
Maniac - - out